I, Mistress Squidia, am a total whore for movies, films, La Cinéma, or whatever you want to call it. I’d rather be sitting in the dark, watching almost any drivel that Hollywood has squeezed out this week, than being a responsible adult who holds down a job, pays bills, does dishes, or whatever. I’m actually looking forward to seeing Fun with Dick and Jane, that’s how far gone I am. Going to a movie is like a little mini vacation in my head, and there’s no finer pastime than sitting in the dark being inside someone else’s vision, however retarded that vision may be. Hollywood may think that they must court that 18–34 frat boy demographic, but Hollywood is dead wrong—they want me instead.

[The only downside of today’s film going experience is the other people in the theater, who as time goes on, are becoming even bigger morons than ever before. Lately, all the same idiots who cut me off on the freeway are following me to the latest new release and talking back to the screen, answering their cell phones seven to twelve times during the movie, smacking their lips loudly, and kicking my chair. This has to stop, because I hate you.]

I also watch a lot of TV, and usually have a book I’m reading which I carry around with me everywhere so as to not be more than an arm’s length away from sweet, sweet mental distraction. As such, I’m I believe that unlike most of you, I am uniquely qualified to discuss almost any type of pop culture and give you my opinion on movies, television, Paris Hilton, celebrity pets, and what type of snack food goes best with each. As you can see, I am qualified and you are not. That’s what makes me Mistress Squidia, Media Whore, and you my slave. Read on, dear slave, read on.