Nation-Wide White Elephant Holiday
My mom likes to send me things she gets at thrift stores and church rummage sales. She tries to honor what I hope she thinks of as my quirky and creative spirit. Or she hates me. From the type of thing she sends, I’m not 100% sure which it is. I’ve been the recipient of a giant orange sweatshirt covered in some sort of metallic gold goo. I’ve gotten a blouse so horrible only a blind albino rhinoceros would consider wearing it. Once I got some sort of moo-moo thing that appeared to be made out of crochet doilies. This season, I got a vest only suitable for the craps dealer at the Liberace Memorial Flame and Casino in Las Vegas (a place which ought to exist, if you ask me). On the other hand, my mom has never sent me a sweater with a fuzzy Christmas tree, or a reindeer hoodie with real bells attached. She has standards, after all. (God, I hope she never reads this.)

I was joking around about how we ought to have a white elephant party so that we could unload some of these items, and then Stephen Colbert and his team of writers at The Colbert Report had the brilliant idea of doing a national white elephant: open the phone book, pick someone at random, and send them a present. I wish I could say I'd thought of this idea, but in any case, I say let’s do it. What a great way to get rid of that horrible stuff that’s clogging up your closets, and also bring abject random fear and confusion to your fellow human beings? Let’s make it a new national tradition, sort of like spring cleaning, Extreme Holiday Edition. I don’t have to remind you not to put a return address on the package, right? You are all smart people.

Our First Victim
Okay, getting phone book…close eyes…open book…point…okay. Robert E. Lord of Shoreline, Washington, you are in for one confusing gift. Won’t that be fun? Think of all the enjoyment you’ll derive from grilling your relatives to find out who sent you a gender- and taste-confused sweater and three sets of frilly dish towels with the Velcro straps? What a great way to while away those painful family dinners, possibly leading to cathartic fist fights and the beginnings of feuds that could last for years to come, ultimately saving you from having to attend all those unnecessary family reunions and weddings. You’re welcome.