Gay Marriage
I really don’t get the whole same-sex marriage debate. Surely it’s a no-brainer? If rights are offered to American citizens, per our constitution, they have to be offered to all citizens, right? Otherwise that whole “freedom for all” thing in the Pledge of Allegiance just makes us look like hypocrites. It seems legally and morally obvious to me that rights should be extended to all Americans, equally. If you really want to keep same-sex couples from getting married, you’d have to ban marriage for everyone, and that would put a crimp in a host of marriage-related industries, be bad for business and make your mother cry.

Personally, I’m not a fan of marriage—at least half the time, it leads to divorce. You couldn’t sell a car that crashes half the time, right? Here, buy this toaster oven; it will only burn down your house 50% of the time! Sheesh.

As for all the “abomination unto God” arguments, please, spare me. I don’t keep up with organized religion or anything, but I’m pretty sure Jesus had things to say about tolerance and loving your fellow man ‘n stuff. What happened to that, bible thumpers?

Some conservative types have tried to spread the falsehood that gay parents mess up and abuse their kids…hmm. Seems to me that all the kid drowners, beaters and starvers I’ve heard about in the news lately have been breeders, every single one. As for the much-ballyhooed “sanctity of marriage”, talk to me when dreck such as The Bachelor, Paradise Island and America’s Littlest Groom are no longer on the air. When marriage is a regular game show prize, I’d say the sanctity has pretty much left the building.

Besides, isn’t marriage supposed to be socially stabilizing? When people get married, buy homes and have kids, they create better neighborhoods and local economies, right? That’s why we give tax breaks to married couples. And, all those extra marriages would be awesome for the wedding planner, travel and real estate industries.

So come on everybody! Get on the gay marriage bandwagon. It’s good for gays, it’s good for straights. It’s good for America, god damn it.