Saturday, January 28, 2006

Being Bad, The Car, and People Who Make Me Happy

Yes, after all I said two weeks ago, I experienced another batch of paralysis and haven't posted in two whole weeks. I am a bad bad Mistress. In my defense, of which I should of course have none, until yesterday I hadn't gotten more than seven hours of sleep in a night since January 2nd, and usually it was more like four or five hours. I'm not sure why this has been happening, but it's probably a combination of stress, being ill, quitting vices such as coffee, sugar and booze, or all of the above. Yes, your Mistress has temporarily quit such pleasures for the betterment of her body. Of course, vices of the mind are more my food and drink anyway, so now there's room in my belly for more. (And no, I didn't quit stuff as a New Year's resolution, 'cause that's for weenies. It's a coincidence. I swear.) I was also feeling again like no one was reading, so why bother? But, a friend or two mentioned liking a post or two, and then I got this:

I wan't to be your bitch by E-mail I'll do anything you ask

The important thing about this post is...I'm pretty sure it's from someone I don't personally know! Dear readers, (and my bitch, you know who you are), you have no idea how much this cheered me up. (I'm so needy.) So, I'll be a good girl now, I promise. Or you can spank me a little bit.

The Car
Last week, I caved in and let my daughter buy a car. It's a very cheap car...actually, it's a mini-van. For some weird reason of her own reason Girl Kid wanted a van very badly, and she found this one on her own through the magic of the Web. For reasons beyond my understanding, mini-vans are practically free at the used car lot, and this was one they had to buy as part of a lot and that they were willing to unload at cost. It actually has more features than my car, including the ever-wanted (by me) variable intermittent windshield wipers, which is a item so needed in Seattle it's on par with double-thick woolly socks and over-proof rum in the Yukon. (Yes, that important.) The bad thing is that now I have a kid who will soon be operating a major piece of machinery out there in the cold and the dark all by her very lonesome...and I will be a quivering mass of nerves, hiding behind the couch and gibbering. I tend to be a way more nervous parent than normal when it comes to my child operating a car, but when I was 19 I was a passenger in a car accident where the driver died, so I have my reasons.

● ● ●

People Who Make Me Happy
In counterpoint to my Death List of Ire, I thought it might be good to include some things that I like. I'm not all about the Negativity, after all...just mostly.

Men, Actor Catagory
In a brief list of people who are proof of the existence of God, and in no particular order (other than the first one):

Ewan MacGregor, Donald Sutherland, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti, Colin Mochrie, Steven Fry, Dylan Moran, Martin Donovan, Jon Stewart, Jason Lee and John Waters.

There are more, but I just can't think of who just at the moment. All of the above boys will put my butt in a theater seat on opening weekend, no questions asked. Sure, a couple of them are gay, so what? They are alternatively dreamy or witty or a combination of the two, which I like. I'm also kind of a sucker for a guy with a really expressive face. Someone whose every thought is visible on their face or in their eyes puts me over the moon. And that is partly why, as you can see, I do not go in for the usual dreary heartthrob types like (dear god, don't make me gag) Brad Pitt. I do like George Clooney, but not is that "special way". He's an interesting actor, and is turning out to be a great director, but he's too pretty to be on my God list.

Also Rans: Jack Black, John Cusack, Don Cheadle and Seve Buscemi. Hmm. I like Billy Bob Thornton as an actor, but he's too messed up and pervy (and not in a good way) to be attractive.

Female-Type Persons, Actor Catagory
Anjelica Huston (who is the most beautiful woman), Susan Sarandon, Cate Blanchett, Carol Kane, Kate Winslet. I can't think of any more right now. Damn, I must be straight. Shoot.

Also Rans: Anybody British, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Joan Cusack.

Director Catagory
You = director = me / butt in theater: Werner Herzog (my personal god), Baz Lurhmann, John Sayles, Sophia Coppola, Hal Hartley, David Lynch, Tim Burton, Peter Jackson, Terry Gilliam, Michel Gondry, Peter Weir, Peter Greenaway...there are more, but this is enough for now.

Author Category
● Terry Pratchett, scribe of the Discworld series. I live on the Discworld in my head as much as humanly possible, and I'm happy that Mr. Pratchett is so prolific, because I really, really need more of these books. Twenty-two plus is still not enough.

● Neal Stephensen, who is probably most famous for the absolutely great Cryptomomicon, but his Baroque Cycle series is just way and above the best three books ever written. This guy just knows how to write in a way that makes me both jealous and weak in the knees.

Theater Ushers
Yeah, one more time: what a cruddy job this must be. I'd have to rip out the throat of humanity after one week of cleaning up other people's crap that they just threw on the floor instead of making what must be the monumental effort to...carry...empty popcorn box and soda...ten nearest receptacle. And all for minimum wage. Still, it probably beats waitressing.

Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report is bunches of funny. I also admire him for doing voice-overs for weird stuff like Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law. "I'll make you Fun Sized!". Yep, that about sums it up. I love you, my man.

Ze Frank
I still haven't figured out how to do links in stupid Blogger that actually work, so please excuse the need to cut and paste: I challenge you to watch any of his little video clips and not fall totally, completely in love. His New Year's Resolutions are hilarious, and he is just basically insanely talented, happy, and cuter than a button. A cute, cute button. He gives me "the feelings".

Male Friends Who Talk About Masturbation
Well, maybe "happy" is not what this makes me, but "curious" and "interested". Thank you to my recent male friend who opened my eyes to male insecurity (and this is a guy who ought to feel like a Master of the Universe, who knew men could be as crazy as women are about their bodies? Please: put away your ruler). Thank you also to all my other male friends over the last couple of years who have alternatively described themselves as "masters", "kings", "champions", "olympic contenders" and suchlike of the act of self lovin'. I especially appreciated the cartoon. Since all of you are married, I'm glad to hear you can be so open about this...and that your wives are all down with it, so to speak. Of course, maybe if we women were "down" more often, this would not be such a hot topic. Girls, I've always found a man to be more compliant after a quick little morning jobbie. Just a thought. For some reason, men seem to need this stuff to stay sane.

People I Can Make Laugh
There is almost nothing I love better than making someone laugh. It's best when I can catch them off guard and make them spew something out their nose. Sometimes I can keep the jokes rolling and get them laughing without stopping until they are red and heaving and unable to breathe. This is the best, and it makes me more happy than words can express. Sometimes I blow it and go too far, but if I can time it right, I can make them pee a little bit. I love this more than chocolate.

My Readers
To anyone who reads my blog: I love you. There, I said it. You are the chicken wings beneath my sauce. Or something. Thank you.

And Finally, Bears
Because they sometimes eat people. Nuff said.

Well, my dearies, I have other obligations today that are whining and wheedling to be a addressed. And poking me. So, off I go, more tomorrow.


At 11:22 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yep, you must be straight, otherwise Jodie Foster would be on your list purely by default.

I read your blog and I laugh at your jokes. No spewing though. Still pretty funny.

Cynthia M.

At 5:54 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

For the spewing, it has to be face to face :)

At 7:57 PM , Blogger nr said...

Mis' Squid' - you are too all means blog, blog and blog. You are bookmarked damn it! I dare say I need a little funny after a hard day of OFFICE WORK!

Not to add to your stress, but some of us need your dark, wonderful and impetuous humor...


At 8:00 PM , Blogger nr said...

Just in case you don't reconize my "incognito" photo - which I have credit Greg Gendron for...its me, Nina!

At 1:22 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

Hey Nina! Thanks :)
Sorry to hear the job is maybe not that fun, but "oh well". Why is working such a drag anyway? I realized the other day that I've never had a full-time job I liked. No wonder I'm such a chicken.


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