Friday, January 06, 2006

To Blog or Not to Blog

As none of you have noticed, I’ve taken about a week and a half off from posting. Here’s why: back in the day, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, everyone and their pre-op uncle kept a journal, meaning they sat around in coffee bars with hand-crafted eco-friendly oat paper notebooks looking meaningfully into the distance and then scratching out a few lines while sipping expensive coffee. Starbucks owes big cash money to these people. I think the idiots thought journaling and looking all intellectual would get them laid. Arty girls would write horrible poetry that they then would put to acoustic guitar…thank you Fiona Apple, Lisa Lobe and the ilk, we don’t care. Thirty-something goatee’d wannabe hipster dudes would be smugly scribbling their screenplays and hanging out by the muffins looking for those arty girls to “hug”. Because of this, I always thought journaling was stupid: why write down my thoughts that I already know and that no one else will read? So that I can read it years later when I have The Senility to remind myself of my angst-filled genius? Stupid.

Well, there isn’t much difference between the old journal thing and the Blog phenomenon, (other than a lack of muffins). I still find it weird to write for myself and not for an audience; I guess that’s part of what makes me a whore. That being said…I guess I’ll keep this up for now. Maybe someone somewhere someday will find me funny enough to keep reading. And when you do: I love you.

• • •

Okay, now for the last week or so:
Because it is my vice, and because Girl Kid was on winter break from school, we saw too many movies. One was sublime, three were horrid dreck. First the dreck:

Rumor Has It
Alternative Title: Craptastic. Oh god, how many ways are there to say how awful this was? I know, I know, “Why did you go in the first place?” you ask. Have I mentioned I’m a slut for movies? And the premise was pretty great: chick finds out her family was the model for The Graduate. Potential comedy gold, right? Awesomely bad, more like it. I’m now officially rooting for Team Jolie—no wonder Brad left Jen for the obviously more interesting and complicated Angelina, Jen just has nothing going on upstairs. Jennifer Aniston does her patented “Rachel” impression; supposedly comedic stuff happens (sleeping with a guy you think might be your dad? Yuck!), the story ends happily, groan. The only thing that made this clunker even remotely worth watching was the always amazing Shirely Maclaine, who chewed up the scenery with that ballsy old broad thing she does so well. Here she’s obviously enjoying herself (she was probably drunk the entire shoot). But, what in the hell is wrong with Mark Ruffalo? He’s great actor, hella good looking (did you see that peek o’ pecker he flashes in In The Cut? Damn! Or course you didn’t, no one saw that one but me). He’s funny…why, oh why, Mr. Ruffalo, are you trying to be the romantic lead in all these recent chick flick throw-away flicks? Is it really for the money? You are better than that, man!

The Family Stone
Alternative Title: I Wish I Was Stoned. You know those movies that look hilarious in the trailer, and then when you get there it’s all weepy, sad and depressing? That’s The Family Stone in a nutshell—avoid this movie at all costs, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Sarah Jessica Parker’s Meredith is just so unpleasant you can’t fathom at all why Luke Wilson falls for her on sight. There’s yet another cutesy family in yet another two million dollar country house that real people doing those jobs couldn’t really afford. The mom is dying. Big deal. Horrid, horrid, horrid. Luke Wilson is the only one who seems to be having any fun, and I’m sure at least he was stoned; at least I hope he was. Dermot Mulroney turns up as yet another jilted fiancé, and please, even he looked bored with his performance. Awful.

Fun with Dick and Jane
Alternative Title: Not So Fun. Now, I didn’t plan to actually see this movie. I thought I wanted to, but then it got bad reviews, and then I thought I wouldn’t. But, the kid was at a concert at the Redmond Firehouse with her b-friend, and I was the designated driver, and I needed somewhere to go for a few hours. So: the movie was not quite as bad as I suspected, there are a few moments of humor to be had, but all in all—not worth the price of admission. Jim Carrey has done some amazing work recently: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, these are both really great films in which the sometimes utterly annoying Mr. Carrey totally redeems himself. So, why the move back to stupid slapstick like this? I think he must have a ginormous drug habit to support.

• • •

And now, the reason I still go to the movies:

The Producers
Oh. My. God. Words cannot express how much fun this movie was. I’ve now read two reviews that said, “Sure, The Producers was good, but not as good as Chicago”. Either all of these reviewers didn’t really see this movie, or they are smoking some lab grade crack. Chicago was okay, or even good, but The Producers will make you laugh and scream and pee your pants. I’m not alone in this: the entire theater of people we saw this with were dying in the aisles, they were laughing so hard. Trust me, if you do not have a good time at this movie you are officially diseased.

Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane had of course plenty of practice on their performances during the extended Broadway run of the stage musical version, and it shows, in a good way. Both men are completely perfect: Broderick has been criticized for his “over the top” depiction of Leo Bloom, but he’s supposed to be over the top! When his eyes bug out with barely contained insanity…well, it’s pure joy. And Nathan Lane is a national treasure—if you ask me, that man should be dipped in fragrant oils and massaged with foie gras by studly pool boys on a daily basis, just to say “thank you” for all his good works. And Uma Thurman is big, leggy, busty fun. There’s a scene where she “tidies up” the office that is hilarious. I won’t spoil it for you with any hints.

Warning: DO NOT LEAVE THE THEATER before the credits have fully run and the screen is blank! Only four of us left in the theater were witness to the film’s funniest moments, which came just as the final credits were rolling (listen carefully right at the end of the credits), and in a hilarious snippet at the very end. I love it when the film makers give us a little treat at the end, and this is one of the best. The chick in the next row actually screamed out loud when the last little surprise appeared.

• • •

And Finally: Other People Drive Me Mad
At Rumor Has It, I was almost driven over the edge into a bloodthirsty, veins-in-my-teeth murderous rage. Seriously—I was ready to do jail time. The movie was at 4:30, and yes, there were so many previews and junk that the movie didn’t actually begin until after 5pm, but as of 5:10 there were still people streaming in, standing around in front of the screen, going back and forth for yet more snacks, and trying to find seats! People—if a movie is posted as starting at 4:30, and I’m not in my seat by at least 4:40, I wait for a later performance. If you are paying all that cash to come to the theater, why don’t you care that you see the entire movie? An old turtle couple came in and sat beside me ten minutes into the movie, and then began talking loudly at the screen, “Why is she doing that? What’s happening? Oh, she’s gonna get it now!” I wanted to KILL that crusty old jerk with a rusty spoon and barbeque his liver. I wanted to take his popcorn tub, shove it onto his head, and squeeze until he stopped breathing. When I (tartly) asked him not to talk during the movie, he got all pissy with me. The jerk. And afterwards, I was embarrassed to be an American by all the garbage left everywhere for the ushers to deal with. What is wrong with you people? If you can lug your Giant Tub Of Popcorn Plus Jumbo “Value” Soda And Jujubees Combo Package from all the way from the concession stand to your seat, (and then go back for seconds during the movie [kill, kill, kill]), you can take the leftovers to the trash can. God, I hate humanity.

That being said, at The Producers, a woman who was sitting on the other side of Boy Kid laughed so hard that I thought at first that she would have to join my Death List of Ire, but after a while, she totally grew on me. Now, no one can deny that I am easily amused, I can find humor in the most unlikely places, but this woman took it to Olympic levels—I have never witnessed so much joy in one human being. She literally laughed at every single word; I’m sure her seat needed a hose-down after the show. It was a privilege to be near her; and so, humanity was saved for another day. (Fear my tentacles!)

So, there you have it: I’ll be back to blog on a regular basis, the next jerk who pisses me off in the theater may get The Popcorn Tub Procedure and I’ll be blogging from jail, people who are easily amused may just save the world; and, it’s still worth going to the movies. Mostly. Yeah.

6 Comments:

At 2:27 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent reviews - bravo! bravo! bravo! Are you writing reviews profrsionally? If not, why not? You should be!
Amy Page

 
At 9:17 PM , Blogger David Lasky, Esq. said...

My but you see a lot of movies. Have you seen Narnia? It's the only movie I've seen in a theater since the bizarre disappointment of StarWars part 3. I just saw it tonight -- and will write about it on my own blog sooner or later. I think you should be writing professionally too, btw, and I hope this blogging helps you get there...

 
At 3:12 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

To Amy,
No yet, but we can only hope. Tell your friends, and maybe it will happen :)

Your Mistress

To: David,
Um...yeah, everyone says Narnia is great, but I have qualms about that one for some reason. It's a Big Christina Allegory, and do I really need that?

My mom has asked me to start doing DVD reviews, so that may happen soon.

 
At 3:12 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:35 PM , Blogger David Lasky, Esq. said...

I wasn't raised Christian, so the LTWATW is just a wacky fantasy for me. Though watching the movie, I was a little disturbed by the overtones of white, British children being the rightful rulers of everything. They show up wearing fur coats and the sentient animals are actually excited to see them (?). I was also surprised to see how similar it was to LOTR, and like Tolkienn's book it can be seen as an allegory for WW2. If you never read the book, you may just be better off having a LOTR DVD marathon instead (something I've been wanting to do for a while now).

Leeann and I just watched the DVD of "Master and Commander" -- great movie. We wished we'd seen it on the big screen. Those British just love to rule the world, don't they? Director Peter Weir is one of my favorites.

 
At 6:04 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

I LOVE Peter Weir, who can do no wrong.

I read the Narnia books in the 5th grade, and loved them so much that I wanted to live there...the beginnings of my escapist tendancies I guess. But later I found about the whole christian thing (I typed that as "Christina" before, har di har har). I guess I was not ready for cutsie kids and animals. I do love the Brits, but their children can be a bit much :)

 

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