Thursday, March 23, 2006

Absence, Religion and Scientology, Movies That Suck, and One That Doesn’t

Yup, I’ve been gone a while, and thereby losing the paltry few readers I did have. Yeah me! Well, maybe I can get them back. Probably not. My excuses? My mom was here for two weeks, we still don’t have internet access on my Powerbook, and I’m lazy. I’m only writing right now because I just had a blow-out with my kids and I’m hiding. And for the record, I am not going senile. Much.

I’ve been watching with glee the whole South Park, Isaac Hayes and Scientology broohaha. What a tard; of course, I blame Tom Cruise. Is it just me, or is ol’ Tom looking more and more like Michael Jackson lately? Every day, he’s gone further into Mr. Crazy Go Nuts, if you ask me. The latest ridiculous flap from Kamp Krazy got me thinking—you know the sign of a truly mature religion is when it can handle jokes at its own expense. I have issues with most forms of organized religion, but take Catholicism for one—at least the Pope doesn’t get all bent out of shape over all those Pope On A Rope jokes. Jews join in on the fun too, for instance, who tells a better Jewy McJewerson joke than Jon Stewart? No one. So Mr. Cruise and Mr. Hayes, get a clue—yes, you are bringing more attention to Scientology with your stupid boycotts, but you sure aren’t attracting new recruits to your supposed religion, instead, we are all laughing at you, and laughing hard. If you really want people to respect Scientology, maybe it’s time you grew a sense of humor, umkay?

Movies That Suck
Ultra Violet
Milla Jojovich’s bitchin’ abs not withstanding, this is one horrible movie. I know it was in the comic book, or I assume it was, but why are they vampires? This plot point appears midway though the movie, and is never really addressed. And why, oh why, is the feisty rebel captain in this type of flick always dressed in a nubbly rustic sweater? Everyone else in the movie dresses in groovy spandex Future Suits, so why does he dress like a hippy from 1971? Verdict? Jeez, save your money already. Go rent Resident Evil 2 if you need some Milla action, that at least is a (marginally) better movie than this stinker.

Date Movie
Oh god, there are no words to describe how awful this movie is. I think the movie makers should be dragged out of their holes and killed with sticks. If you are going to save yourself the effort of writing your own script by plundering those of others a-la the Scary Movie franchise, at least have the decency to throw in a funny line here or there. This movie was way beyond horrible, in fact, I think its only claim to originality was the depths of horrible it managed to attain—to boldly go to levels of banality that no movie has gone to before. The blame for me seeing this retched piece of dreck can be laid firmly at the feet of Girl Kid’s boyfriend, and he has a lot to answer for. On the other hand, in less than a year, the two of them will be driving off in fast cars to see this sort of R-rated film on their own and I will be a basket case, so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. Verdict? Choose life.

The Hills Have Eyes
Um, this got a good review in the local rag, and I suppose that if you are into slasher/gore movies, than maybe you will like it, but I was bored. Yes, bored. I normally don’t go for gore movies, so why was I there? Because Girl Kid’s friend wanted a girl’s day out, and this was her choice (so, take that, Hollywood idiots who think they know what teenage girls want). My biggest complaint was that THHE shows too much of the mutant monster dudes. Directors—sometimes less is more, trust me on this. One of the monster people was also a recognizable character actor, and every time he appeared on screen it took me right out of the storyline while I contemplated just how bad his Visa bill had to be before he took on this role. Also, if these monster guys are so uncaring of everything living including themselves, wouldn’t they have eaten each other up a long time ago? I think they would have. And, now that we are firmly in the 21st century, can we please retire the old cliché of the teenage girl who just screams and freaks out the entire movie? Hell, I wanted to kill her by the end. Verdict? The Hills Are Boring.

Failure To Launch
Nuff said, really. Oh well—um, Sarah Jessica Parker is some sort of professional who gets older “kids” to move out of their parent’s homes. Really? This is a career? Can I have it? I wouldn’t date them though; I’d just march up and say, “Hey loser, get the fuck out.” Maybe if the mom in the story stopped making all his meals and doing his laundry, Matthew Mcconaughey would have moved out back in his twenties. I mean, really, how weird is it that she’s still washing his underwear…and folding them? And, Oh Dear God, Kathy Bates, what where you thinking? Surely your Visa bill is paid off? Why did you do this movie? By the way, I hate Matthew Mcconaughey, man how I hate him. Big, big hate. What a smug goat-snogging bastard that guy is. Have you ever heard him talk in real life? Ugh, he’s a creep. As usual, the only thing worth watching in this flick is the utterly shaggable Zooey Deschanel as the depressed goth roommate to SJP, who has a homicidal thing in for the bird in the bushes outside her window. In fact, as is often the case, the zany sidekick friends on both sides of the main characters were vastly more interesting than the main characters themselves. Verdict? This movie will make triple what Serenity did at the box office, and that’s just too depressing for words. Also, Terry Bradshaw gets full-backal naked at the end of the movie. Is that really something you want to see? If you do go to this movie, consider that your punishment. I did.

Mission Impossible III
Yeah, I know this movie isn’t out yet, but I’m reviewing it now anyway. Hear me, this movie will suck large ones. There will be explosions and car chases and Tom Cruise will put his slimy lips on some hapless actress half his age. Please, oh please, movie going public, stay away from MM3. For me? Tom Cruise must be stopped. He and Matthew Mcconaughey (and Piper Perabo, don’t get me started on her), should be put into a sack and shot into outer space. Now, I love Philip Seymour Hoffman, and curse Cruise for trying to make himself look better by giving Mr. Hoffman the Bad Guy role. I’d much rather see PSH as the stud muffin, and Tom Cruise as the bad guy. Cruise has proved he can do a pretty decent bad guy in Magnolia and Collateral, and I might be able to squeeze out a teensy weensy modicum of respect for him if he played Bad more often. Maybe. I really, really want to see Philip Seymour Hoffman get the girl (and Paul Giamatti), not some Big Stupid Movie Star. It’s also funny that Mr. Cruise’s love interest in MM3 does in fact look young enough to be his daughter…hmm, why does that sound familiar? Yuck. Verdict? Tom Cruise is a ginormous perv, and I will love you more if you avoid this movie like the plague it will be.

And One That Doesn’t
V for Vendetta is a really great movie. I haven’t read the graphic novel that the movie is based on, but I could tell immediately that fans of the novel wouldn’t be disappointed by the movie. Like last year’s Sin City, this movie has that graphic novel veritas—it just looks right. I’ve been a fan of Hugo Weaving since Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, and even though you don’t ever see his face in V, he’s still awesome—that voice, that body language—yummy. Mr. Hugo is The Greatness. I’ve never really connected with Natalie Portman before, but she also is great here: Ms. Natalie is just the right mix of porcelain beauty and regal nerve to carry her role as an initially reluctant revolutionary. I loved her in this, and I can’t imagine another actress in the role. Plus, if they ever do a Sinead O’Connor biopic, Natalie looks amazing bald. Despite the British setting and Guy Fawkes storyline, the movie itself is a not-so-thinly veiled indictment of the Bush administration, and the timing is right. I didn’t care if the message in V is an unsubtle one—it’s time to get your revolution on, baby. Verdict? Go see it today.

And that’s it for now. I promise to be more fruitful and timely in future, but I understand that the proof is in the pudding; I hope some of you will re-tune to find out. In the meantime, I must go make amends to Boy Kid. I love you my babies, sleep well, and dream of me as I will dream of you.


At 7:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

A few of us never left but just kept checking in for your wicked insights.

Your sweetie from Waseca

At 9:33 AM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

Oh my god, Terry! Damn! Well, I promise to be a good Mistress now :)

Thank you for reading!


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