Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Those Adorable Men

I seem to be a breeder, in that, despite all evidence against it and my horrible history, I am into men. This is a problem I can’t seem to get over. Men are a mysterious species whose motivations I may not understand, even after years of study. I spent a loooong time with one particular man, of whom I can easily say that I knew all his stories inside and out, I could finish almost any sentence coming out of his yaw, and I could tell when he was lying, bored, randy, angry and probably could guess with 98% accuracy what he was about to do and say next. And yet, I have to admit that he was a total, complete and utter stranger to me. While I had ideas about what made him the way he was, I really didn’t know him, and in the end, I didn’t care to.

But still, there are still men out there who can inspire my total love and devotion. I know that if I met these guys in person and got to know them, they might turn out to be unredeemable jerks. In fact, if I fall for a guy in the flesh, he probably is a jerk, because I have a talent for seeking out assholes. Now that I am a mature woman with plenty of water under her bridge, (and a troll or two), if I find myself attracted to someone I’ve actually met, I immediately doubt their quality based just on my own reaction. If I like them, there must be something wrong with them. Nevertheless, for the following men, I would make an exception. I’m sure none of them would ever make me sad. They certainly all make me very happy now.

Dave Gorman
This adorable British dude has built his entire notoriety and career out of a drunken prank, and you have to love him just for that. One evening after many tequila’s, his flat mate dared him to find out how many other Dave Gorman’s lived in the UK and the next thing they were on a train to Scotland…well, the rest is history. When the kids and I first saw Are You Dave Gorman? on PBS, we almost had to buy a new couch, if you know what I mean. This guy is also responsible for The Great Google Whack, which I haven’t seen yet, but want to badly. Anyway, Dave Gorman is lovable, cute, and hilarious and has a British accent, which due to my obsession with Celtic men of all types, gets big bonus points with me.

Eddie Izzard
I’ve posted about Eddie before, so there’s no need to say much more other than that Mr. Izzard is the hottest thing in fish tights and platform heels, and is so funny that I would bear his children if I could. [While I love my two kids to little bits, I’m not really looking to have more at this point, so you can see how this would be a big deal on my part.] Everything about Eddie is wrong—his chin is too big, he has rubbery lips, his hair is all wonky, he is a bit chunky and short…and it all adds up to sex on toast. In the film Circus, there’s a scene where Eddie and the also shagadelic Scottish hunk John Hannah are butt naked on a stony beach in Brighton, and oh my, it gave me the vapors. Eddie Izzard is god, and John Hannah is no slouch either.

Ze Frank
If you don’t know about Ze Frank yet, well, go to my link to him on the right, and prepare to spend the rest of your day laughing. If you value your job, don’t initially check out his site from work, because you won’t get anything done for the rest of the day. Start with his original “How to Dance Properly” video, and go from there. I love his New Year’s resolutions. There’s also a bit where he describes how he invented this code for business correspondence where all the punctuation means swear words, so that he can both sound professional but curse out his graphic design clients without them knowing. So funny. Lately he has started a daily video thing where he reports the news. I know this doesn’t sound all that great, but that’s because you don’t know Ze Frank yet. He is relentlessly happy and inventive, and not in that cloying cutesy “chipper” way that usually make me want to rip out the person’s throat with my teeth. I now have all my news needs firmly met between The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and Ze Frank. He is hilarious, trust me on this. Ze also looks like the mutant love child of Mark Hamill, Ewan McGregor and a goldfish. He’s so cute I could spread him on a crumpet and gobble him up; he is so creamy I’d have no need for extra butter. Check out Ze with my linkie over there -->. His web site states, “Many have come, but I like you the best”. I like him right back. In fact, I love him. Love, love, love the Ze.

Anthony Bourdain
Boy Kid and I have recently discovered Anthony Bourdain, No Reservations on the Travel Channel. I’d seen a prior show of his, and not thought much of him. What can you say about a NYC chef who smokes and makes disparaging comments about the cuisine of other countries? I wasn’t impressed, and so I didn’t give it enough of a chance. But, after the cancellation of the incredibly funny show Kitchen Confidential, which was based on Mr. Tony’s life and book, I had to check out this new show. [Curse you Fox TV network executives, may you rot in festering pools of fish guts while monkeys eat your children!] It turns out I was wrong, Anthony Bourdain is not just an ass, but instead is an ass I love with burning passion. How can you not adore a guy who unapologetically drinks, smokes, chats up his druggie days, is passionate about pork and who will eat or drink anything that is offered to him, no matter how disgusting? On the Quebec episode we watched him eat a seal’s eyeball with a bloody seal carcass right in front of him. He ate it raw. That same episode another chef in Montréal tried to kill him by feeding him everything on the foie gras menu. I mean, everything. He ate it all and lived, but he did look a bit green and greasy by the end. I got all dreamy watching Mr. Bourdain chow down on massive plates of poutine, which is basically French fries, gravy and cheese curds, with other ill-advised things like canned peas or barbeque sauce being added as requested. Apparently this is the official dish of Quebec. God, the stomach churns, and I grew up in Canada. Anthony is also hugely into Iggy Pop and The Stooges, which automatically means he’s my friend. It burns my weenies that he’s also a stick. How can anyone be so well-fed and yet so thin? Even though he smokes, and therefore probably smells like walking death, I want him to marry me. Of course, this would mean I’d have to divorce Eddie Izzard first, and that could be a problem. Hmm. Anyway, check out No Reservations at 10 p.m. on Mondays on the Travel Channel. I’ll be there, with bells and bib, firmly on. Yummy.

Also Rans
You can see from the above list that I love men who are funny, not just cute. I will probably think you are “the hotness” if you have a sense of humor and a movable face, because both of these mean adorable to me. In addition to the above fine hunks of man-muffin-hood, there are other guys who make me happy as well: Ewan McGregor, Jamie Oliver of Naked Chef fame, James Nesbitt (Murphy’s Law), Clive Owen…hmm, these are all Brits. You see a pattern here.

To Recap
If you can feed me well, and especially if you can make me laugh, I’m yours. A Brit, Scottish and/or Irish accent will put me over the top.

Thank God for men, you crazy, whacky weirdos.


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