Thursday, April 27, 2006

Celebrities Who Must Die

I am a slut for celebrity news, and yet at the same time, I’m mostly bored by what I read/see/hear out there. I think it’s because the same ten celebrities get reported on all the time. I really don’t give a rat’s bee-hind about Jessica Simpson. I think she’s a boring, stupid slut with an only mediocre talent; plus, the girl has horrible fashion sense. I mean seriously, who wears this stuff? She doesn’t know what tuna is, she can’t do laundry, and she hasn’t got a single interesting thing to say. Maybe all the hair dye and lack of food has leeched her mind of all content. The only remotely interesting thing about Ms. Simpson is her Svengali-meets-Lolita relationship with her father, which makes prior Steven/Liv Taylor or The Donald/Ivanka Trump creepiness look tame. She’s icky, stupid and Christian. Ugh, what a combination. Ginormous breasts can only compensate for so much.

I also have exactly less than zero interest in Jessica’s ex, Mr. Nick Lachey, who not only acts stupid, but looks as dumb as a doorknob as well. [My apologies to doorknobs everywhere; I know we haven’t always been the best of friends, in that you frequently refuse to open for me. Don’t take it personally.] Maybe it’s because Mr. Lachey’s eyes are kind of close together, but, dude—you look bemused, confused and kind of used in your photo shoots, and that’s not good. In a sea of boy-band wannabes and self-conscious, bleached “studs” raised on Nickelodeon, Nick Lachey is not special, but he is “special”. I’m sick of him and his rippling abs, and yet everywhere I go, there Nick and Jessica are, staring at me and smiling with their enormous teeth from every newsstand tabloid cover. I’m starting to think that they can see me and they are hungry. I’m frightened.

I have never been a fan of Tom Cruise. I mean, Risky Business was okay, but that was ages ago, and Tom was still a zygote in tightie-whities. Maybe it’s Scientology’s fault, but Tom is boring to the core. I’m not interested in his looks, and unless he’s playing the bad guy, he’s not all that great an actor…hmm, if Tom is only good at playing assholes, maybe that’s because he is one? I’m just saying. Ole Tom is a bit more interesting now that he’s gone bat-shit insane and is jumping on couches, freaking out at reporters and inciting suicide by telling people to get off their anti-depressants. I’m sorry Tom, watching you is making me want to start taking medication, not quit it. I used to think Katie Holmes had some hopes of developing some talent, but I guess that’s over now that she has become the alien overlord hive womb instead.

I think Jennifer Aniston must have more going on upstairs than we see in her movies, because she has managed to woo and land a couple of interesting men, but where is that in her performances? Yes, I was a rabid fan of Friends for the first few years until they all became caricatures of themselves, but I always liked Chandler the best, so there. Rachel was boring. No wonder Brad left her—Jen has all the blandness of a soccer mom, but wouldn’t put out in the baby department. Go figure.

I really, really, really don’t care what Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are up to now, so please Us Magazine, stop reporting on them. Unless Charlie wants to share his deepest sexual depravities with me, I’m not interested, and maybe even not then. I mean, “eww”. He’s gross. Denise was fun in the great and under-appreciated Undercover Brother, but nothing else she’s done as wowed me. Of course, I’m not a teenage boy with Wild Things on continuous re-wind. [What ever happened to NeveCampbell anyway? I hope she can still pay her rent. Or maybe she’s out on the highway picking up truckers in exchange for Slim Jims. Whatever.]

And, oh heavenly gods, please spare me from anything more about Starr Jones. Yipes, could she be more vapid and self-involved? I do not, let me be clear on this, watch The View, but I do watch The Soup, and so I am exposed to Starr more than I want to be, which is never. You know, there are some people who just look better fat, and she is one of them. What a huge disappointment it must be to have gone through what I know is the unbelievable agony and insanity that it takes to lose weight, only to end up looking like a deceased squirrel that didn’t make it over I-5 on the first go. I mean, seriously, she looks like a diseased turtle. Yuck.

Lindsay Lohan? Pass. I liked her in the beginning, but then she turned vapid and underfed and boring. She is a stupid girl. Paris Hilton? Not “hot”. Nicole Richie is only interesting as the poster child for anorexia. How low can she go? Pretty low, it’s sad really. How many girls have tried to emulate her to the death? She must be stopped.

Who am I interested in? Well, oddly enough, Angelina Jolie. The girl can’t act, and I think her lips look like dead slugs, but she is out there being weird and trying to make the world a better place. Angie doesn’t just provide her ample lip service either—she’s out there hugging orphans and bringing food and medicine to earthquake and famine survivors on a weekly basis. I may be the one person who supports Brad Pitt in his career move from Brad ‘n’ Jen to Brangelina—playing Daddy Daycare whilst being dragged around the world by Super Mom makes him more interesting to me. Go Brad.

There are a lot of other interesting “celebrities” out there who manage have the best of both worlds—they get to play for a living, but for the mostpart, they can also go outside without being chased and hounded by the yellow press. I envy them: Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Don Cheadle, William H. Macy and his lovely and talented partner Felicity Huffman (who needs to gain a few as well), Casey Affleck (the one who can act), the fun an irrepressible Jack Black (who has stayed true to his indie friends)…oh, there’s loads of others. Interesting people who manage to get by in Hollywood without being eaten up by the machine. Still, I’m guilty of buying People and Entertainment Weekly or, God forbid, even Life & Style every now and then. My brain likes candy, and after all, I am Mistress Squidia, Media Whore. I consume crap, so you don’t have to. Enjoy.


At 9:47 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You amuse the daylights out of me. Thank you.

At 6:43 AM , Blogger Rio said...

Oh Mistress Squidia, your blog is just the most wonderful part of whatever day I may visit. You're hilarious, honest, intelligent and quite insightful. You're part of my inspiration to start my own fear is that mine will only pale in comparison. Good luck with your job search and let me wish you a belated Happy Birthday. Keep up the fantastic writing!

At 10:29 AM , Blogger David Lasky, Esq. said...

Thank you for consuming all that media crap so I don't have to. But I kind of worry about you-- you do watch some good movies once in a while, right?


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