Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Jobs, Movies and Bring on the Menopause Already

I've been absent again, which is not good. Sorry. But, I did install a tracker dealio on this site, and it turns out I do have readers, so that inspires me. I have been going out on interviews and such, and that has taken a lot out of me. THREE hours of "So, if you found a co-worker who appeared to be stealing, what would you do?" is pretty draining...and all for a $15 per hour production job that would kill the soul. Ugh. Things I have learned to-date?

I've forgotten more than you ever knew about QuarkXpress
Really. I used the stupid thing for every work day for five years, and three years of InDesign later, I can't remember a squat about Quark. I tanked that test, so that was three hours of inane questions wasted. I have been utterly assimilated by InDesign; thank you Adobe. No really, thank you. I like you better anyway.

What is it with guys of a certain age?
At the TWO hour interview the very next day (after the three hours of textbook H/R questions), I aced the Photoshop test (I think), and completely hosed the talking portion. The guy who interviewed me was exactly like my old boss, and also like a certain professor at Shoreline Community College in the VCT program...all who have been through that program and who read this will immediately know who I mean. These guys are all in their early sixties, they all have natty little beards, they all fancy themselves to be fun-loving hippie dudes, they all chase after young skirt and feel completely justified in bedding same (if they can) even if those women are underlings; and, they are all unmitigated bastards who will try to trip you up in conversation, who will go out of their way to humiliate you if they get the chance, and who are totally in love with the sound of their own voices. They get this "look" when you are talking, and you just know they are waiting for you to shut up so that they can start talking again. If you are currently on their twinkie list (which means that you are young, female, and "hot"; or are young, male, and protege material), you can fuck up to the nth degree on the job without harm; but be wary, your twinkie status will evaporate when the next new meat comes along...and there is always new meat. Being no longer young, susceptible or "hot" myself, I kind of hate these guys. So, I'm not that sorry that I won't be getting this job, because I really don't want to work for my old boss again. One abusive ex-husband and one abusive ex-boss is enough. I hope.

I feel like a dork in my interview clothes
When I get into my nice duds and good shoes, my body swells up to double its size and I grow antlers. People who know me will be surprised that I have shoes other than flip-flops, so getting up in business drag is a pretty big deal for me. But, I won't do pantyhose, because those things are a symbol of female oppression, if you ask me. I will wear pantyhose over your dead body, and not before. So there, Mr. Employer; you get bare legs or no legs, it's your choice.

Anyway, that's enough about that. I really don't want to be working anyway. I'd rather be reviewing movies for you for pay. Why can't that happen? I mean, really. It's what I'm good at.

Movies That Suck This Week
An American Haunting
Deary me, this is another example of how our society is bat-shit terrified by teen-girl sexuality. This movie stars Sissy Spacek (who once bought multi-colored mittens from a friend of mine in Vancouver) and Donald Sutherland, both fine actors, and who were the reason Girl Kid and I were seeing the flick in the first place. (I also have cramps today, so that's another excuse.) Plus, I had a free ticket, which as a good thing, because this movie stunk. I thought 82 minutes was pretty short for a movie; in fact, normally I boycott films this short. But, AAH seemed hooouuurs long. Weeks even. How many times can you see the scary invisible "entity" slowly pull the blankets off the chick, and flapping the windows while twirling her around whispering spooky stuff I can't really hear in her ear? I think that thing must have really liked her quilt. As with last year'sThe Exorcism of Emily Rose, the film is supposed to be based on a documented case of demon possession, but instead of being about ghosts or demons, it's really about how fucked up Christians are, and how religious belief can really screw over a kid who is being sexually abused by her father. I mean really, how can anyone of conscious even be a Christian these days? Hear me Hollywood, there are no such things as poltergeists. I mean, I wish teenage girls really did have this kind of power, because then there would be less rape and incest in this world, but they don't. What kind of magic power would be just for teenage girls anyway? Don't teenage boys need help occasionally? Poltergeists are wishful thinking, just like vampires. Verdict? Christians are fucked in the head, but Donald Sutherland is one foxy old dude. Hubba hubba.

Akeelah and the Bee
Ugh, what crap. Or maybe not crap per se, but it did seem like the script was automatically generated by one of those "write your own screenplay" applications. This is the kind of movie that isn't content to convey the message through dialogue and scene crafting, instead they show you, then tell you in voice-over, and then tell you again in case you somehow missed it. We get it already. Redemption happens, and it's not nice to be mean to your kids, duh. Verdict? A fifty pound hammer made of ham would have more subtlety. But at least it didn't star Dakota Fanning, so that is something.

And One Movie That Kind of Didn't Suck
Oooh, I'm embarrassed to admit this out loud, but I actually caved in like the wet bag media whore that I am and saw Mission UnSquishable III. I know, I know, in a previous post I said I would rather be on fire than see this movie. But then...well, I blame Philip Seymour Hoffman. He's just too good. I love him. Actually, J. J. Abrams, (Lost creator), who directs and wrote the script, did a pretty good job. It's better than the prior Brian De Palma and John Woo episodes of Mission Impossible, and that's some good company to beat. Anyway, Tom Cruise was very slightly more human than usual, and it was fun to see Cruise and Ving Rhames bicker away throughout the movie about how guys in their positions can't maintain relationships. Keri Russell, of all people, did a nice job of kicking butt, taking names, and then dying dramatically. Bland Katie Holmes stunt double Michelle Monaghan had less to do as the stupid love interest. She gets captured, just like a girl. Blah, blah. But, Philip Seymour was so perfect as the bored and disaffected bad guy; and unexpected joy of joys, Simon Peg (Shaun of the Dead) was the prerequisite whacky computer nerd, so I enjoyed that. Verdict?Explosions galore, nifty gadgets which, if the government actually had, Osama Bin Laden would have been captured already, and Tom Cruise munching on that poor girl's face. Tom? How about dating a bit closer to your age group? You are starting to exhibit Woody Allen disease, and you are just not good enough to survive being a creepy old pervert like Woody. Still, the movie is a couple of hours of decent fun in the olde multiplex. Go figure.

Well, my stomach is trying to digest itself, so I'm off to make dinner, and pour myself a nice hefty drink to dull the pains coming from my guts. Menopause? I'm ready to talk again. Call me.


At 10:53 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where did you go Mistress? Are you on some uber-long vacation? Your faithful readers await!


At 4:13 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

Sorry. I began working full time and it through me for a loop.


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