Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Some People Like…To Put Their Television Down…We Are Just Good Friends….

Girl Kid, her B-Friend, and your intrepid correspondent (that’s me) are going to Oregon tomorrow to see Ted Nugent at the Oregon State Fair. Pity me. Not only do I hate “The Nuge”, and most of what he stands for (Republicans, killing animals for sport, raising your kids to be serial killers, and hair flipping), but Girl Kid will be driving most of the way, so I will not be having a fun time at all. I may not be able to get my fingernails out of the armrest by the end of this trip. God help us, and if you see a giant white van bombing down I-5 with Betty The Beast stenciled on the hood, please be kind. And I’ll let you know how “The Nuge”, the fair and camping in the woods with two teenagers went on Sunday or Monday.

I Love TV
I do more than spend my time in a lot of darkened movie theaters; I also watch a tremendous amount of TV. I am a Ginormous Fatassicuss Couch Potatocuss, genus: Americanus. So sue me. So, what’s on the ol’ TiVo this week? Let’s see, shall we?

While Hell’s Kitchen II is done and gone, with the squishy-faced bawl-fest that is Heather surviving the bombastic attacks of Britain’s latest Asshole Export, Gordon Ramsey to win the big “prize” of her own restaurant in Las Vegas, (a dubious reward, if you ask me), it’s still possible to occasionally see the much better show Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares on BBC America. Yes, Mr. Gordon does swear a lot, and he does yell, but he won’t devour your soul like he does on HK. By that we know that American television producers are the Devil’s Own Spawn, who goaded The Gordon into even more histrionics than is his usual fare, and that’s not really necessary. He’s already pretty much over the top and down the other side, we don’t really need to see his head explode and rotate around 360 degrees. Or maybe we do. At least on Hell’s Kitchen, Mr. Ramsey does not continually remove his shirt, which he does do on RKN. I also don’t believe that guy is 38; because he has a bad case of Old Man Chest…I can accept 48, but not 38. I think Our Mister Gordon is a liar, as well as a giant screaming ass (who can also cook). However, I do obsessively watch both of these shows when they are on, like the guilty little slut I am.

The Closer
If you are not watching The Closer on the TNT network (Channel 54 in my neighborhood), then you are missing out. Keira Sedgewick is delicious fun as a thick-accented “gosh darn it” Southern girl heading up the Priority Murder unit of the LAPD. It’s in it’s second or third season now, and is America’s best answer to all those amazing British crime shows which are so much better than most of what we here in the ol’ “US of A” have to offer. While this show is no Prime Suspect (and what could be?), it is really, really fun. Watch it. All those CSI shows have gotten hella stupid anyway. This is much better.

On Tuesday, we have been watching…god, I’m embarrassed to admit this…Rockstar: Supernova, or as I like to call it, Rockdolts: Super Troopers. We started watching this idiot reality show last summer for the sole reason that my friend Frey made it into the last fifty finalists for Season One. He might have even gotten further, but his ex-girlfriend didn’t pass on the message that the producers had called until three weeks after the fact; which is justifiable grounds for homicide, if you ask me. Anyway, it’s pretty impressive how well the show’s contestants can sing, but if I have to endure much more of Dave Navarro’s creepy Dirty Old Man routine, or the word “Awesome!” much more, I may just run amok. Plus, this year’s edition includes Tommy Lee and his “I’m just a cute little boy with excessive tattoos” sideways hat. Tommy and his hat bring up chunks in my craw every week. If you made the words “Dude!”, “Awesome!”, “Rockers” and “V CAST phone” into a drinking game, you’d be dead by 11 pm is all I’m saying. Really, does no one speak English anymore? And ever since sexy minx and spandex Ziggy Stardust imitator Zyra got given the boot, I’m not really all that interested anymore. Who will win the (again, very questionable) prize of fronting Tommy Lee and a bunch of other losers? Will it be the Midget Raccoon, David Blaine, The Guy Who Can’t Keep His Shirt On, or Portland’s answer to Celine Dion, Storm Large? (And that’s actually her name.)

Also on Tuesday is the very excellent ex-Showtime offering Dead Like Me, being re-run now on the SciFi channel. This show is a bit beyond description, but it involves the daily lives of grim reapers. They have day jobs and everything. Watch it. And that brings us to….

Um, Rockdorks: Super Troopers, The Elimination Show. Find out who sucked large the night before, and who has a vast network of MySpace friends all willing to phone or text in to vote for them. “Awesome!”

Also on Mr. TiVo: Mythbusters. What crazy explodies will separated-at-birth-and-by-time-and-temperment twins Adam and Jamie get up to this week? Ice bullets, frozen chicken cannons or do-it-yourself quicksand? Good times, and educational too.

Project Runway: what can I say, despite all evidence to the contrary, I’m a girl. Or a gay man; the jury may still be out on that call. This is the best reality show on television, and the contestants have actual skills. Want to see someone make a functional gown out of cornhusks all while trash-talking the other contestants and bursting into tears? Well, now you can. This show is why television is the greatest invention since Louis the XIV toddled out of Versailles in his four-inch platform heels. If you haven’t seen it yet, I’ll bet you can rent seasons one and two on DVD. Fun stuff.

The Office, my home-boi and God’s answer to the mustache Jason Lee in My Name Is Earl, and for right now, Who Wants to be a Superhero?. I think Major Victory totally deserves to win…what a crazy, mixed-up man in skin-tight red pajamas he is. I love him. (I’m kind of rushing here because I need to get back to work.)

Or SciFriday. The end of the week is all about Stargate SG1 and it’s poor cousin Stargate Atlantis. Who ever thought that a barely-seen James Spader vehicle would turn into ten years of intergalactic weirdness and running around shooting things in the woods right outside Vancouver, B.C.? Not James Spader, that’s for sure. I’ll bet he’s worn his teeth to nubs fretting over lost residuals “That Are Rightfully Mine” by now. And I’m not sure I can survive until Battlestar Galactica comes back on the airwaves. Is it just me, or is Starbug the bitchin’-est female character ever created? I want to be her. But Doctor Balthazar and his fuck-tastic ways give me the creeps. That guy is “all man”, and not in a good way. Yeesh.

Also on Fridays, when and if Survivorman ever comes back (new shows I mean) on the Science Channel, I’ll be there with crampons on. This is the best "how not to die" show ever, because you can actually learn how to survive in The Nature, in case you somehow accidentally end up in it some day. (I lived in the Yukon for four years when I was younger, so I may be biased towards this show. I love it enough to have watched each episode of Season One at least four times.)

The Weekend
Nothing is on TV on the weekends, other than The Soup, which catches me up on shows I’d rather not really see, like The Flavor of Love….yeeegh. Flava Flav is god-awful, who on earth could bring themselves to plant lips on that man, let alone fight for the right to do so? Not me, but I may not be the right demographic. No, for me the weekends are reserved for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report, both of which I cannot live without. I get all my news from these shows, because CNN et al make me want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon (Anderson Cooper, I’m not looking at you with gouged-out eyes, you sanctimonious crud you). And don’t get me started on local news. How those people all don’t just commit suicide on the spot right now is beyond me. So, Jon and Stephen, take all the vacation days you want, just never go off the air.

Oh yeah, and we love Good Eats on the Food Network. In fact, Boy Kid is teaching himself to cook based on that show alone, (because god knows I almost never do it). Alton Brown is the Muskrat of Love.

And yeah, I also read books. But enough about that, because pretty soon someone is going to catch me doing this, and then I’ll be whining about not having a job again, and nobody wants that. Ta ta.


At 7:03 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

DAMN!!!!! It's good to have you back! Congratulations on your new job...and WOO-HOO!!! to free admissions for you. I pretty much base what is worth seeing by your reviews so it's a good thing for me've saved me some Keep up the great writing and stay sneaky for us...we can't have you getting fired so soon.

At 2:22 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

Yeah, I need my job for now :)Why can't someone pay me to write, is all I'm asking? Maybe it will happen.


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