News Nibbles

Or, What's in the News Today, Munchkins?

Princess Kiko Whomps Princess Masako In Most Sexist Womb Division

"Upon hearing the good news, I felt myself purified and invigorated as if I were looking at a crystal-clear autumn sky.” —Fujio Mitarai, president of Canon, Inc.

Um, sure…. I guess with the birth of little royal baby boy (to be named later), Japan has successfully avoided that whole Women’s Lib thing for another generation. And wow, can you imagine the CEO of say, Boeing, talking this way? Way poetic dude! Congrats on your culture staying behind the times socially, while at the same time beating our asses in the technological realm. We love your delicious and adorable cameras; please bring on the housecleaning robots already! Actually, I think Asia’s biggest export is style. Harajuku kids are da bomb cousin, and I don’t care how last year it is to say so.

Imponderables
Natascha Kampusch, the young Austrian woman who escaped her captor after 8-1/2 years in a tiny cell in the home of Wolfgang Priklopil, supreme fucktard and suicide boy, says she’s sorry he’s dead because maybe he could of answered some questions if he hadn’t off’d himself. Yeah, he probably could have cleared up one or two things, but he probably wouldn’t have answered the question we all really have, which is…“What the fuck?” Good luck to Ms. Kampusch, who now faces a life that includes strained sexual relations with any man she hooks up with, dark confinement fantasies, and some seriously messed up ideas about parenting. But, at least the fucktard didn’t kill her, so there is that.

Most Ironic Death, Non-Grizzly Bear Division
Steve Irwin, Animal Planet’s Croc Hunter: death by stingray. No one saw that one coming. Well, I’m sad about it. Because of ol’ Steve, I routinely use the phrase “Crickey!”, and now it’s going to seem sort of in bad taste when I say it. I’ll bet the crocodiles are pissed too.

Bin Laden Still Missing
Um, yeah. Maybe we should put him on a milk carton or something. My god, what are we paying the NSA, the CIA, and all those other agencies ending with “A” if not to find the bad guys? My tax dollars feel abused. Actually, I suspect that Bin Laden is under lock in key in the MGM Grand Casino in Las Vegas—with hot and cold running vestal virgins at his beck and call—just so we can drag him out of retirement in time to get Dubya (or one of his cronies) elected again. Boy Kid swears Dubya will get a third term, and he may be right. Marshall Law anyone? Terrorists are just great, because they help governments keep their own citizens in check. Who is the real threat our government is so afraid of? It’s us, not “them”.

Mexican Stand-off
Mexico finally has a new president, Felipe Calderon, in what was a very close race that had to be delayed, recounted, and finally decided on by courts of law. Hmm, why does that sound familiar? Actually, the loser, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, refuses to recognize Mr. Calderon, and vows to set up his own counter-government. That should be fun to watch. Gosh, if we really want to fix that pesky immigration issue, maybe we should focus on problems closer to home, like helping Mexico develop an economy that doesn’t require it’s citizens to risk heat stroke, deportation and death just to come here to cook our food, pick our fruit, trim our hedges and raise our children for less than minimum wage.

Guilty Thoughts
Tropical storm Florence is gaining strength in the Atlantic. I know it’s horrible to say this, but I kind of want another ginormous hurricane to wipe out Florida or somewhere, thus proving once and for all just how Suck Ass our homeland security systems really are. Maybe then people will wake up and demand a better government, or even just an ounce of accountability. Is that too much to ask for? I think not.

Katie Couric is a Hit, But Pudgier Than We Thought
Jesus Christ, who cares? Sure, it’s great we finally have a female news anchor in this, the United States of the American Taliban, but how excited can I be when CBS decided they had to maker her look slimmer in publicity photos? Can anyone imagine this happening to a male anchor? And now all we’ll have to look forward to are comments about her hair and what’s she’s wearing today. My god people, what is wrong with all of us? A woman should be judged by the content of her character, not the contents of her bra.

Well, there is more, but that’s it for now. Go forth with love and good thoughts my babies, or at least with evil guilty ones. Onward.