Wednesday, September 13, 2006

If I Was King

But before we get going on that, in celebra-ta news (the only news that doesn’t make us cry):

Britney Spears Drops It Like It’s Hot
Oh god, there is another Kevin Federline devil spawn in the world. I swear, in 50 years, that man’s DNA is going to be present in one-third of the population, leading to America being eventually renamed to MickeyD-Land, as “fast food flunky” will be the highest position for which any of our citizens will be qualified; that, or backup dancer. Speaking of which, if K-Fed used to be a backup dancer, how come he was so bad at it when he hosted the Kids’ Choice Awards?

Now, I know Ms. Britney was all jealous of Justin Timberlake’s inexplicable ability to get over her after she dumped him, and so maybe we can forgive her decent into White Trash Purgatory and Video Diary Hell; but damn girl, stop giving it up to Our Boy Fed. He’s nasty, and he’s not discerning, so what does that say about you? You’re a mom now, you need to grow up and put away childish things, starting with Mr. Federline. And use a car seat already.

Anna Nicole Smith, Saddest Girl Ever
Yipes! You couldn’t make this stuff up. What could be more tragic than Anna Nicole becoming a mom again at the age of 84? Having her 20-year old son Daniel die in a chair next to her in the hospital in the Bahamas three days after she gave birth to his sister, that’s what. I have no words; it’s just bad and sad. Predictions? Anna Nicole is over, she can’t go on acting like a Glad Mad Party Ho anymore without it looking really inappropriate. She will also develop a humungous drug habit (again), gain 100 pounds, (or lose 30 more), lose custody of her daughter, whom she will have named Danielle. Later she will claim to be psychic, and start a multi-million dollar chain of séance emporiums. Sigh. By the way, how do you die in a chair in the hospital at 9:30 in the morning? Was no one checking in on Ms. Skank and her baby? I know when I had my kids, the hospital staff would not leave me alone. I was like catnip to them.

And Now, If I Was King
Here’s how to fix the world—make me king. Here is my platform:

Foreign Policy
First, we need to stop supporting Israel financially. Now, I know it was important to help them out with their new country initially, but dude, it’s been more than 50 years now. It’s time for Junior to get out there on his own and pay his bills himself, and to stop using our money to bomb Lebanese civilians and bulldoze Palestinian homes. Yes, yes, those guys have also done bad things, but sometimes you just have to let siblings work it out for themselves. A thousand Lebanese civilians died in the recent Worst Summer Holiday Ever events, and we here in the US basically paid for the bombs that killed them. Most importantly, if we stop supporting Israel it will take away one of the supposedly biggest reasons that Crazy Arab People Who Want To Kill Us hate us so much.

Second, get out of Iraq, and leave Iran alone. We need to get out of the Middle East entirely, and bring our soldiers home. “But wait” you say, “won’t that leave a bigger mess than was there before we invaded?” No, it won’t. Give Iraq lots of money, (because we kind of owe them after taking down their government [however despotic] and destroying their economy), and give them experts. Send lots of free consultants to help them learn how to govern and police their own country; but, don’t send any more military personnel or weapons. This is important. The longer we stay in Iraq as a military presence, the better Al Qaeda is at recruiting new members, which means the US is now less safe than it was before we invaded Iraq. Provide the Iraqis with cops, lawyers (and hey, that means fewer lawyers for us…bonus!), doctors, politicians and oil field workers. And don’t even get me started on Iran. So, how do we keep evil crazies from developing nukes and plotting world domination? Use money and diplomacy—the carrot, not the stick. It will be massively cheaper for us, make us look like the good guys for once, and the combination of cash, aide and talking will actually work; whereas continued military actions over there never will.

Third, don’t rule out targeted assassination as a foreign policy option. What’s less morally indefensible, killing one bad man, or being (at least partially to mostly) responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians, not to mention the deaths of thousands of our own soldiers? I think assassination is a much more moral option than war, especially in the case of an un-winnable war.

Fourth, bring everyone home, everywhere (except for diplomats). We here in the US need to start focusing on ourselves here. It’s time to be selfish. We are spread too thin around the world; it’s costing us too much; and, as we are now the most hated people on the earth, what we are doing now is clearly not in our national best interest. As with Iraq, give money and non-military support where we owe it, and get the fuck out. What will we do with all the money we save? That leads us to….

Domestic Policy
We here in the United States love to crow about how we are “the best country in the world”, but best at what? We are not best at keeping our children alive, that’s for sure. In a recent report by Save the Children, the US came in thirty-second out of thirty-three in the industrialized word in infant mortality. We were second-to-last, sandwiched between Slovenia (who beat us), and Latvia. Slovenia did better, damn, that’s harsh. This statistic is so embarrassing that I’m blushing beet red just thinking about it. Just a few years ago, we were nineteenth in the world for infant mortality, so we’ve gotten a lot worse in recent years. We are also not number one in literacy, life expectancy, or per-capita income. Where are we really number one? We’re number one at eating and polluting. Way to go. We’re fat and we spew out garbage. What an image to present to the world. “Yeah, Number One!” indeed. As King, what would I do about this sad state of affairs? I’d spend all that money we now waste overseas getting everyone to hate us so much.

First, every kid in gets a free education and a free computer. Japan is beating us at the Shiny Cool Gadgets game; India is doing all our tech support and software programming; and, China will soon own all of us as domestic pets. We desperately need to fix this problem, or by 2050, we’ll be so far behind the rest of the world in education that we’ll all be wearing paper hats and asking if the rest of the world would like fries with that. As King, I’d provide every American with the constitutional right to a free education, all the way though to the graduate school level; and give all students all the computers, books, and science equipment they need to really become number one. “PhD’s for everyone!” As part of my education package, I would also tie teacher salaries to congressional salaries. If Congress wants a raise, every teacher across the land gets a raise too. And since this would all be paid for with income taxes already being collected, that would mean no more school levees or property tax hits, which would provide Americans with even more delicious spending cash, which would boost the economy.

Second, every person has access to free healthcare. In fact, I’d do away with the private insurance industry altogether, and provide free Home, Health and Auto insurance to everyone, (with low deductibles for home and auto coverage only). Healthcare would always be free to everyone, rich or poor. Because of the free education, our doctors would be the best, and as King, I’d make sure doctors and nurses were paid very well, to attract the best to those jobs. Oh yeah, and I’d strengthen Social Security, and raise the amounts of money provided on retirement at age 60 (not 65 or 70). Once I’m King, there will be no more old ladies eating cat food.

Third, I’d invest in non-petroleum energy sources. In fact, I’d completely end our dependence on foreign oil by 2020. If every public building, parking lot and other suitable space in the hot-and-sunny states were required to have solar panels on them, and every windy-or-watery-or-soybean-growing state was invested in other sustainable energy systems, we’d not only be able to provide free electricity and bio-diesel fuel to every American, but we’d be able to sell our excess to other countries. Oh yeah, all cars and home heating would have to be electric or bio, no exceptions. As King, I’d pay all the companies and households to help them make the switch. As a bonus, we’d be polluting a whole lot less. As part of this program, I’d also invest heavily in environmental programs of all kinds. No more drilling in ANWAR equals cariboo are happy.

Fourth, I’d provide free, good, licensed childcare to all families. In-house daycare would be required of all companies with fifty or more employees. To help families even more, I’d require companies to offer all employees flex-time; six weeks of paid vacation per year, and one year of family leave at three-quarter pay to both parents. Companies would receive federal assistance to offset the costs of these programs.

Fifth, I’d fully support the continuation of a free and unregulated Internet, and of a free press. The free and unfettered exchange of ideas (and porn) is good for the advancement of scientific research and public education in general; and as such, is too valuable a commodity to restrict or regulate. As part of this policy, I’d provide free WiFi to all communities. No one should have to pay for access to the Internet, cable, electricity, fuel or healthcare. We should be spending American tax money on making American lives better, not Iraqi lives worse.

Sixth, I’d abolish the Electoral College. Well, if I was King, maybe this would be a moot point; but damn, that thing has to go. One person, one vote, that’s how it should work. I’d also abolish campaign contributions and political fundraising. Instead, I’d set up a system where everyone who wanted to run for any level of government was given a set amount of federal money to spend on his or her campaign. No other money could be used to get someone elected, which would level the political playing field. I’d also eliminate political action committees (PACs) and lobbyists. This would mean that we’d finally have a system where any American could actually grow up to be president, and where no politician was beholden to corporations. Government really would be of the people, for the people.

And finally, seventh, I’d raise the minimum wage to $12 per hour across the country. As part of this program, I’d mandate that CEO salaries must never be more than ten times the salary of the lowest-paid employee. If you want a big raise, everyone in the company will have to get one too. After some extremely loud whining, I’m sure industry would find a way to still make everyone heaps of money.

I’m sure all of you out there are now shouting, “But King Squidia, if your programs are implemented, income taxes will be sky-high!” No, I think you are wrong. I think that once we get our military back in-country, and vastly reduce our military spending (we have nukes, y’all, we don’t need a millions of military personnel and programs), we’ll be rolling in cash. And once we truly are, Number One, our economy will be strong, and we will be living in the best country in the world. “Yeah, Number One!” I wish.

To elect me King, send your votes to: There may eventually be a T-shirt.


At 11:48 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've got my vote. Since the positions of Prince and Princess would be taken by Boy Kid and Girl Kid respectively, I'd like to put in my application for Court Jester, or perhaps Official State Assasinator, to take care of those pesky evil doers who would oppose your Highness?


At 12:10 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

State Assassin, you've got the job! Hee hee. And you can hide your secret identity by being Court Jester too...nobody suspects those guys.

At 9:19 AM , Anonymous Tammy said...

I'd follow you anywhere've got my vote! Soooo, when do we start implementing this plan?

At 12:30 PM , Blogger Mistress Squidia said...

Immediately! Me for King. Sigh :)


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