News Bites. No Seriously, It Bites.

I’m having trouble getting to writing this week, and possibly for future weeks, due to circumstances beyond my control. So, quick and dirty today, and then I’ll have to leave my two readers in the lurch until the weekends, sigh.

And Don’t Let the Door Hit You On the Way Out
Thailand’s Prime Minister learned a hard lesson this week—never leave home. Seriously, how hilarious was that? Fly off to NYC to be a big international player at the UN, only to have your military sneak in and lock the door behind you. “Ha ha, sucks 2 B U”, (or the Thai equivalent). What I would have been to be a fly on the desk when the first phone call came in from back home…funny stuff, I’m sure.

Proving All The Stereotypes Are Correct
Three grandparents are shot at a Little League game over a custody dispute in East Tennessee—wow. There are no words. Well, I guess I won’t be vacationing there this week. The natives are crazy. And armed.

And also in this category:
The Pope repeats some crazy smack from the 14th Century, and the Muslim world Goes Wild. Hey stupid people—the Pope’s point was that Islam might promote violence. Way to prove him right, fucktards! I think the word “irony” doesn’t translate. And the Pope is an idiot too.

3.5 Million Year Old Dead Baby Joke
Actually, this is hella exciting. I wish I was an anthropologist right now.

The girl, who is thought to have been aged about three when she died, possibly in a flood, was a member of an early human species called Australopithecus afarensis.—News.scotsman.com

Go Scotsman! Seriously though, I think the day we decided to come out of the trees was a HUGE mistake. The chimpanzees and gorillas have it right. Who’s happier right this minute? A monkey lying on a branch scratching his belly, or you, “getting right on it Sir” for your boss? I rest my case. Our poor little dead girl just proves my point.

Rich People Just May Save the World
Jeez, I may have to rethink my negative opinion of the rich. Just when I thought that evil corporations were ruining the planet, dudes like Bill Gates (who is responsible for Windows OS and is therefore still evil), Warren Buffett and now Richard Branson commit billions to saving the earth and the people in it who need the most help. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger is bucking his party and making anti-pollution deals between California and England. Our government is trying to kill us, and most of us are too busy descending into poverty to do anything about it, so rich people are spontaneously picking up the slack. I’m stunned.

Bag of Spinach is Smoking Gun
I couldn’t write anything as funny as this headline from CNN.com. Mutant Renegade Spinach jokes are running rampant in my brain. Must. Not. Snort. Drink. Out. Nose. At. Work. Spinach Gone Bad, can you think of anything more funny? I think not.

And now I must go, sorry. I’d rather be with you.