Saturday, September 23, 2006

Jackass Number Two, Or, Boys Will Be Boys

Girl Kid announced a month ago that we'd be seeing Jackass Number Two on opening day, no exceptions. We had seen the original Jackass movie, and although I almost barfed at that movie's "pee snow cone" scene, I was surprised at how entertained I was. The opening "guys in giant shopping cart hurtling down a hill to strains of Carmina Burana" scene is one of the most sublime moments in the history of film. I also kind of have a crush on Johnny Knoxville in a weird "he's so grotty he's kind of attractive" way, and, he's an interesting person, or at least he was on The Henry Rollins Show. The point is that, even though I had no choice in the matter, I didn't really object to seeing a second Jackass movie, and so yesterday Girl Kid and B-Friend and I all piled into the automobile and trundled off to Mr. Multiplex to witness the downfall of civilization.

"The Best Movie Ever Made"
That's what Girl Kid announced as we were leaving the theater. (I think there is maybe something wrong with her that will require professional help.)

I'm not sure I'd actually call JNT a movie at all. I don't know what it was. It works as a full-frontal assault on the senses, if it works at all. Plus, I've now officially seen enough ass to last me a lifetime, thank you very much. There is a LOT of nudity, (or mostly nude-ity). I now know exactly what Johnny and The Boys look like naked; for instance, Johnny Knoxville is very skinny but has a surprisingly round white butt. He also has a bruise on his inner thigh that is as big as Britney Spears. I know that Chris Pontius has a pretty decent sized weiner. In any other movie I'd be suspicious that the sock covered member being chewed on by the snake was a prosthetic, but because it's these guys, I suspect the mangled member was the real deal. The snake didn't look too happy either. In fact, snakes are a recurring theme throughout. Did you know that Bam Margera is really afraid of snakes? Now you do. (Of course, anyone would freak out after being locked in a cage with a king cobra. That's just common sense.) Johnny Knoxville didn't seem too phased by the enormous anaconda in the kiddie ball pool, even when it bit him several times, making ol' Johnny very leaky. In fact; he bled enough to make him forget all about the second anaconda, until it rose up and grabbed the other guy by the leg and sucked him down into the sea of little plastic balls while everyone laughed and laughed.

Spoiler Alert
And speaking of, no I can't go on. Hang on a minute. Okay: "Old Man Balls", "Pubic Hair As Beard", "Ass Chugging", "Naked Old Lady Breasts" (as played by Spike Jonze, director of Being John Malkovich and Adaptation in sagging fake boobs? Seriously?), "Poop Lands on Dollhouse Toilet" and the scene where the dude drank the horse ejaculate. I really, really did not need to see any of this. It's just natural not to want to have a close-up view of a large, soft poop coming out of a dude's behind. I also think that someone who will drink horse "stuff" for only two hundred dollars would probably drink it for free.

Still, Bam has a really nice set of tattoos, very artistic. Too bad he's not taking care of them. And now he also has six penises branded on his butt. For life. Because he jumped when the brand first hit skin, and they had to keep branding him over and over to get the entire cock-and-balls image on there. Apparently getting branded hurts, who knew? When Bam's mom yells at Ryan Dunn, "Why would you burn him in the first place?", he looks at her like she's retarded and states, "Because it's funny". I'm sure Bam's ass brand will be the talk of the nursing home in about fifty years, if he lives that long.

There are a few funny moments in Jackass Number Two, most of which involve trying to drown Wee Man, or smother him with people so fat it's a wonder they can walk, but nothing is funny enough to make the retinal and psychic damage worth your time and money. Nevertheless, to my shame, I did laugh when Steve-O puked inside his astronaut helmut. (There is huge amount of vomit in this movie, and not all of it is coming from the audience. Circle puke, anyone? No?)

The B-Friend thought the movie was so focused on bodily fluids and functions because Johnny and The Boys are running out of ideas. I think he may be right. Plus, at thirty-five years old, Mr. Knoxville might just be getting a trifle old to be jumping over parking meters. He missed by the way, hence the bruise.

Verdict? If you are twelve, and a boy, (or a disturbed teenage girl), or are really into "water sports", then by all means go. For everyone else, avoid Jackass Number Two at all costs.

They really are not kidding about the number two.


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