"Oh Crap!" and The Departed

King Jong Il has a nuke, awesome. Sigh. But, on the bright side, he’s managed to make Bush shut up about Iran for five seconds, so there is that. Actually, I kind of understand why we can’t just barge in there like we usually tend do and occupy North Korea. After all, as much as China doesn’t like North Korea having the bomb, they really wouldn’t like the US squatting on their western border like a belligerent toad, taunting them with our blue jeans and soft toilet paper. And we can’t go against China; they may still be a second-world country as far as their economy and technology goes, but they are catching up fast and there are so very, very many of them. They may be small people, but they are abundant. Plus, anyone who can eat horse intestines by choice and still live can totally kick our butts, is all I’m saying. So, as much as we don’t like it, we really can’t afford to have China mad at us. Actually, the Koreas just hang off the edge of China like a deflated willie (just like Florida does for us), so why hasn’t China just taken over the Koreas already? It seems as if they could do it, and really, who’s going to stop them? Russia? Us? Russia would be on their side, and we couldn’t go up against both of them without using nukes ourselves, and that’s just too horrible to contemplate. I’ll bet the cockroaches would be happy though, what with no people and suddenly they are all six feet tall and glowing green and whatnot.

And a Movie
Girl Kid had to work all weekend, and so was royally pissed at me for going to see The Departed by myself on Sunday. What? She didn’t want to see that one anyway. She was just annoyed that I got to go to a movie on my own whilst she labored away serving popcorn to people with so much hubris that they demand in-seat concessions service for a movie they paid $3 to see…and then throw the half-empty popcorn bucket on the floor when they leave. Jerks. I can see her point, but my attitude was, “Hey, I already worked a full week, I should be allowed some fun.” I’m insensitive, apparently.

From the opening seconds of The Departed, you know you are in the hands of a master. Martin Scorsese still has the stuff; and even if it is the exact same stuff he’s been handing us for all these years, he still does it so very well. The physical sensation of “ahh, it’s going to be okay” was very relaxing. Now, I know, every other reviewer out there is a Mr. Snooty Pants about how this movie is not as great as Goodfellas, and perhaps they are right. But, then again, if the timing was reversed and The Departed had come out in 1990, then those same reviewers might be whining about how Goodfellas was derivative, you never know. And it really doesn’t matter; it’s still a good movie.

I read one review that suggested that Leonardo DiCaprio was not up to the acting standards of his cast mates, such as Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, and Mark Wahlberg. Now, Nicholson I’ll give you, because who can top that guy? He’s in a class of his own. But, Mark Wahlberg? Com’on! Granted, Mr. Wahlberg gives the performance of his career here, but that says more about Mr. Scorsese’s skill with actors than it does about Marky Mark’s acting chops. Our Boy Leonardo is Scorsese’s go-to guy of late, and he’s always been good. He’s matured into a subtle acting style, and he knows that sometimes less is more. You don’t need histrionics to make good acting; in fact, the opposite is usually the case. I like Leo, and those other reviewers can bite me. Matt Damon is pretty amazing too, and Jack Nicholson probably eats babies for breakfast. Or dates them. He brought 22 year old model Paz de la Huerta to the premier…it boggles the mind really. When she was born, he was 47 years old and had just finished filming Terms of Endearment and was still dating Angelica Huston. I think Angelica has the upper hand on that one. Even in her fifties, she remains one of the most beautiful women around, and he’s dating 22-year-olds. Of course, I am a chick. Dudes probably feel differently, as there is no accounting for some people’s tastes.

The Departed has a plot that includes lots of world-class male smack talk, good guys and bad guys pretending to be on the opposite side of the fence, plenty of gratuitous violence, and Jack Nicholson’s perma-smirk. And it’s all pretty good.

Verdict? Unless you prefer to see animated blue porcupines dancing and singing with humorous results, then by all means, go see The Departed. If you happen to miss it, it will hold up well on the small screen too. If you are looking for a date movie, this will work—it’s got really fun trash talk and explody guns for the boys, and pretty and hunky boy-beef for the girls. Good fun for everyone. You could do worse—a derivative Scorsese movie is still better than pretty much everything else out there right now. So go already, what are you waiting for? A blue porcupine? If so, nothing can help you, but I love you anyway.